Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
