you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
