Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just had sex on a roof
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
