I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
