No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize