i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
