did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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