made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All I want is dick and wine.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
