I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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