I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
