You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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