The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
