U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
