i may or may not be watching the land before time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
