Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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