I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
