So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My vagina is officially offended.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
