I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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