He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
