Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
did i just pee glitter
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
