So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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