mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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