i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
