the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
