Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
