I checked into jail on foursquare
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
