Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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