doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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