remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
soo... how was my night?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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