yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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