I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
