Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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