Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize