My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
