it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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