Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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