I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
