Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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