I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
