are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
