No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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