I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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