Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
