I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
