I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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