I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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