you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
