Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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