So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
