The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
