my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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