Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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