I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
