I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
