I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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