He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
