the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
