We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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