i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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