apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
